Trust me; in my 54 years on this planet I've watched some
pretty dumb movies. I've watched tons of bad movies as well. But in watching
all of those movies I've never been angered while watching them. Until now.
TIM AND ERIC'S BILLION DOLLAR MOVIE is from the
"creative" minds of Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim, the duo
responsible for the TV show TIM AND ERIC'S AWESOME SHOW. I've never seen that
show and if this movie is anything like it I hope to never come across even
while channel surfing. It truly is that bad.
The movie has one, note I said one, good joke. When it opens
the movie begins by showing the movie that Tim and Eric have made for their
investors. The funny joke revolves around the fact that the movie has numerous
production companies that are responsible for it being made. I for one have
grown tired of movies made by up to 6 different film companies who all get
credit with long logo displays before the movie even starts. This send up just
felt right. And that's it. That's as funny as it gets and it never does
anything funny after that.
It turns out that the billion dollars the duo was given to
make the movie they spent on total body make overs and to fund their spiritual
guru. In return they've made a 3 minute movie starring a Johnny Depp look-alike
that doesn't even come close. The company that funded the film tells them to
return the money or they'll have them tossed into jail.
While watching TV the pair see an ad (starring an unfunny
Will Ferrell) that says they can make a billion dollars just by coming down and
managing the Swallow Valley Mall. After giving up their guru, returning to
their old looks and hiking the 200 miles the Swallow Valley, they agree to take
on the mall, a place that looks like it was used as the set for one of those
post-apocalyptic films complete with burning barrels and derelicts everywhere.
Of course the chances of making a billion dollars are
non-existent but these two clowns have no idea. They seriously believe they can
make it happen. Once they take on the job we're given vignettes involving the
various stores in the mall including a sword store where they owner treats
everyone like dirt because the town pays him not to sell swords to anyone.
Another lengthy and boring sequence offers a self help leader of a
"church" trying to help people find their schrimm. Later on we
discover that to do so (as Eric finds out) it involves stripping down to your
underwear, getting into a tub and having four young boys have the squirts on
you. If defecating is your cup of tea you might enjoy this film. For most of us
there is no humor found in this.
There isn't much use in describing the rest of the movie. Of
course you know that a face off with the evil corporation bad guys who want
their money back and our "heroes" is bound to happen but by that time
who cares?
The most amazing thing about this film is the number of name
actors who appear. Ferrell, John C. Reilly, Zach Galifiankis, Bob Odenkirk, Wil
Forte from SNL, Robert Loggia, William Atherton and Erica Durance are just a
few. No, not major names but actors one would think would want to perhaps
protect their reputations. Then again my guess is they did it thinking it would
be hip to be in a Tim and Eric movie. After all, these are those types of
creators that only those in the know can love and appreciate.
For me the lamest excuse I can hear from someone is
"you just don't get it". People who use this excuse often have a hard
time explaining what "it" is. It's never a case where it can be
explained and you can then have a chance at understanding what "it"
is. Instead, it becomes a catch all phrase that says "you're too stupid to
understand even though I can't explain it". It's like looking at a 2 inch
dot on a 5 foot white background and seeing that the artist intended something
deep. This is pretentious crap and those who spout that line have little to
offer. They just want to be considered deeper than they are when in truth they
offer the most shallow views around.
Many will come to the defense of this film and attempt to
explain how artistic it is or how hilarious it really is...if you only
understood what they creators were trying to say. And you must be stupid if you
don't get "it"...even if "it" can't be explained by those
who think you're the stupid one for not knowing what "it" is.
So why did this film make me angry? Several reasons. One is
knowing that there are tons of movies in development hell that aren't being
made while crap like this is. Another is
realizing that movies like this can be made with tons of money involved (not
near the billion the storyline would have you believe) while knowing that
almost anyone in the world could come up with something offering more substance
and laughs. Lastly it made me angry because I had just lost 93 minutes of my
life watching the film knowing that I could never get them back.
Eddie Murphy once said a movie he made was so bad he would
offer a refund to anyone who went to see it. The makers of this film should do
that one better. They should pay everyone who watches this film a dollar for
every minute that they had to endure. Perhaps then it would actually be a
billion dollar movie. I myself would settle for them never making another movie
again.
This movie is so bad that I can't bring myself to offer you the chance to click and order it. It truly is that bad.
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