Let’s get this straight up front. I am an avid horror fan.
If there is a horror movie made that I have some access to I will do my best to
see it. If there is a comic based on horror I will try and read it. And my love
of horror has crossed over to music as well; I’ve always been a huge Alice
Cooper fan and found Rob Zombie through my son. With that in mind let me talk
about the new movie written and directed by Glenn Danzig.
If you’re not familiar with Danzig he began as the lead
singer and one of the founders for the band The Misfits before moving on to
other bands and finally as a solo artists. His songs “Dirty Black Summer” and
“Mother” popular enough to find themselves on MTV, back when they actually
played music. He took the fame from those items and began his own comic book
company in 1994, a group of comics aimed at adults that contained imagery of a
sexual and/or violent nature.
Eventually it was announced that Danzig would be writing and
directing a film based on the comics he was behind. Fans were ecstatic to learn
that these images would find their way to the silver screen. But the movie
didn’t quite play across the country that way as hoped and now finds its way to
disc for fans to rush out and buy. My suggestion to those fans is don’t do so
or your love of Danzig may disappear.
Trying to describe just how bad this movie is will be
painful for me, even more so because I enjoy Danzig’s music. But this movie is
so below so many movies I’ve watched over the years that to tell you just how
bad the movie is troubles me. I could tell you that the movies made by Rob
Zombie, with the exception of his first two films, have felt uninspired and
similar to me but that every single one of them was like watching GONE WITH THE
WIND compared to this one. I could tell you that this movie would be the worst
thing you ever saw even if you watched it in fast forward. It really is
terrible.
The set up for the film is our horror hostess Morella
(Kayden Kross) taking out the eyes of her first victim, a woman hung up nude
for her to indulge, before she introduces the first of three stories. Yes this
is an anthology film but not like those made in the past that were enjoyable.
Oh how you will wish your own eyes had been removed before this film ends.
The first story involves a woman whose day time job is
posing for pornography with a kinky bend with eyes where her nipples should be
whose tears fall on a white spider that then grows into a spider type man with
six arms who kills prostitutes when she falls asleep. Oh and she’s French and
it takes place in France. How do I know? Because everyone in it speaks with the
worst of all French accents you are likely to ever hear in a movie and because
when the police finally show they’re wearing French uniforms. The sets are
lousy making high school production sets look amazingly realistic by
comparison. The lighting is terrible and done for cartoonish effect that is
poorly achieved. The acting, if you can call it that, shows why when you hire
someone to act you shouldn’t hire your stripper friends no matter how
well-endowed they might be. And the effects…oh my. I am honestly sitting here
shaking my head. If you have a man-spider make sure all of his arms move and 4
don’t just sit there. And when they do move and that only happens when he’s up
against a wall it looks bad. But worse than that when you can see the edges of
the costume, especially around his face, you’ve done a bad job.
The second story I forgot after I watched it but later
remembered when I looked it up. A facially scarred stripper roams the streets
where she carves off the faces of her victims to wear. Here again, do not, I
repeat, do not hire your stripper friends to be in your movies just because
they are willing to take off their clothes. This story was pointless and far
too long. And yet it wasn’t the worst.
That was saved for the third story involving a Countess
Bathory type woman who roams the countryside with her soldiers taking young virgin
girls hostage so she can bathe in their blood and remain young. This one is
boring as all get out and felt like it was the longest of the three. It might
not have been but the lack of a forward moving story made it feel that way.
I had heard this movie was dreadful but I wasn’t quite
prepared for how bad it actually was. I’ve seen some terrible movies in my day
but this one was among the worst I’ve ever experienced. With his name on the
film as writer, director and executive producer the one person that deserves
the blame for this atrocity is Danzig. It all falls on his shoulders and with
any luck no one will ever give him another dime to make anything else.
A few years back a video surfaced online showing Danzig
confronting someone after a show backstage, getting in the face of the man who
then knocked him out with one punch. When this film ended I wanted to start a
go fund me page to make enough money to track him down and pay him to do it one
more time. Danzig should be ashamed for releasing this piece of drek on the
world. If every copy were to be burned it would be less damage to the world
than allowing it to exist.
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