A VAMPIRE'S TALE starts of incredibly slow and terrible only
to finally become a decent horror film by the end. Unfortunately there is that
whole beginning which is filled with terrible things to make you want to turn
off the movie before the good arrives.
The opening sequence takes place in the old west where a
gunslinger is calling out a bad guy only to be killed by a female vampire in
the streets. The sequence feels wrong and out of place immediately with everyone
wearing what appears to be brand new clothes that come straight from a costume
shop as opposed to that feeling and appearance of the old west. Before you have
time to think about it we move to the present.
Jacob (Doug Bradley) is an antiques dealer who is moving to
the country with his completely unlikely family. Along for the ride are his new
and pregnant wife Lauren and his snotty ward/step daughter Rachel. We know
Rachel is snotty and a pain in the keester because she does nothing but
complain about the move and about her Lauren. The trio does little more than
bicker and fight on their trip to their new home which we know will lead to an
eventual showdown between Lauren and Rachel.
A secondary story has two young men walking trails and
camping nearby. They reference the movie AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON but
trust me, the film is not nearly that good. While camping they come across a
young woman out in the woods as well. Yeah right, that shouldn't make them
worry. Indeed she is a vampire, the same one we saw at the beginning of the
film, and she attacks them. One of the two men escapes and of course ends up at
the home of the dysfunctional family. To top things off, Lauren begins to go
into labor. Whoever thought moving a pregnant woman into a home 30 minutes from
any nearby hospital was a genius.
Somehow, I honestly can't remember because by this time I
was bored out of my skull and just wanted the character of Rachel to get a life
(an amazing character by the way portrayed by an actress who looked far too old
to be taken seriously in a role meant for a tween rather than an adult), the
cowboy we saw killed in the opening sequence appears. It turns out he's a
vampire too and wants to kill the female vampire. It turns out she's not just
any vampire but the queen of them all. For his soul to rest, she needs to die.
The last 30 minutes of the film and the storyline that
FINALLY presents itself turn out to be decent. This would have made a great
episode of TALES FROM THE CRYPT rather than a feature film that actually feels
long at 90 minutes, a good portion of which are used for the credits. But the
movie does run longer than it should for what it contains and instead becomes a
movie to avoid. My guess is with the name of Doug Bradley, who has portrayed
the character of Pinhead in the HELLRAISER movies, they thought it would draw
enough fans for them to make their money back. Unfortunately they didn't count
on these same fans passing the word around about how disappointing this film
is.
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