LORDS OF LONDON: WHERE?

One thing about movies that aren’t that good. They make easy movies to write about and take up less time. This is one of those movies.

A London gangster is captured and wakes to find himself in a small Italian town. He has no idea why he’s there or who has taken him. He gets glimpses of what was going on just before, his being shot in the middle of a club in London, but never enough to quite be sure of what is happening.

As the story moves forward he meets an elderly business owner in town and befriends him. This man continues to ask him if he remembers anything but refuses to reveal what is happening and why he is there. He sees various things happening to the old man’s family. He sees a young man who is after the old man’s granddaughter and doesn’t like him but can’t quite say why. He also continues to have flashbacks to his own father from when he was young.

To find a way to let you know what’s happening, which most will figure out early on, and it not be a total spoiler is near impossible. Suffice to say that by the end you don’t really care. The pacing is terrible, the acting is okay and the most anger inducing thing it that Ray Winstone’s name was used to sell this picture to fans but his part is so small. No, that’s not him in the lead role, he’s the dad that is remembered.

This is one of those movies that you watch and at the end realize you had it figured out within the first 20 minutes and wonder why you bothered with the following 70 afterward. It leaves you feeling nothing. The best I can say is that it wasn’t the worst movie I’ve even sat through even though it tried to be that film.

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NAVY SEALS VS ZOMBIES: GREAT TITLE, BAD MOVIE

I’m not sure I can find a way to convey just how bad this movie was but I’ll make an attempt. I’m not certain but my best guess is that this was another of those SyFy movies made for the channel that doesn’t care about how good it is as long as it can fill a 2 hour time slot on their schedule. That’s one of my biggest disappointments with the channel, filler that no one wants to see but that they continue producing.

While in Louisiana the vice president (Rick Fox) does a Q&A where he says nothing and ignores any potentially serious questioners. When he finishes this meeting he begins to leave the statehouse when the Secret Service detail assigned to protect him notices that there is a rush of blood thirsty people attacking pedestrians and eating them. They rush him back into the building and call for help.

Washington goes on high alert and organizes an elite team of SEALs to go in and rescue the VP, his staff and the Secret Service agents. Leading the operation from their headquarters is Michael Dudikoff as Sheer, the commanding officer. Oddly enough there are more personnel involved in their headquarters than they send in to rescue the VP.

The team consists of the usual Hollywood military men, rough and tumble grunts who are there to do a job. They rag on one another, give each other a hard time but in the end will always watch one another’s backs and get the job done. Of course one of them is the new guy who’s married and expecting a child so we know he’s either dead man walking or a possible last survivor, I won’t say which or if he ends up either.

The team lands and finds the VP still in the statehouse with only a few members left of his group. Still unaware of what has gone on we have our first stupid moment. No one bothers to inform them so they understand that people are coming back from the dead and eating the living. They talk a tad about it but hey, for me I would be blasting that information from the moment they walked in the door. One of the staff members has been tied up in a back room to prevent him from fighting with the others while awaiting medical attention. Gee, I wonder if he’s changed or is about to? Would someone please check this dude out before he bites someone? Of course he’s infected! Then when the team asks if anyone else has been bitten they all say no but come on, people always say no especially when someone has.

As the team prepares their exit strategy the zombies in question begin to attack. The first SEAL they take out is the one they should. Why? Not because he’s a bad buy but because this guy has no business being a SEAL. Not the man himself but this actor. The SEALs are supposed to be the toughest, baddest, best equipped physically and mentally that this country has to offer. No offense but this guy’s belly is hanging over his belt and jiggles when he runs. A SEAL? Really?

The rest of the movie is all about trying to get the rescue finished and a side trip as well. The CIA has a secret lab in one of the buildings downtown (where else would it be?) and a possible cure for the zombie outbreak is there. The SEAL team must make their way there once they hand off the VP (any guesses if he makes it or not?) and save the research team and their cure, then hightail it back to headquarters to save the world.

I’m sorry but while the story used here has some potential the movie itself misfires on almost every aspect. Let me start with the lighting. Yes, the lighting. If it’s bad enough to notice then you know it’s bad. The camera work is terrible. I don’t think the tops of heads have been cut off this bad since the French Revolution. The framing is terrible. The acting isn’t as bad as some movies I’ve seen but there isn’t a single person worth singling out for praise let alone to condemn. The effects are the now standard CGI blood splatters for the most part, the zombie eating scenes are shot so as to have no clue what they’re eating and the make up for the zombies makes the original make up used in NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD shot in 1968 look high quality.

With a pure B-movie name like this I was hoping that this movie would be a fun romp, maybe bad on purpose or perhaps intentionally better than you could hope for with this name. In the end it is far worse than I could imagine and not a movie I would recommend to anyone, even Dudikoff fans who should be happy he’s in a movie again. No, not even those fans would enjoy this movie. It’s terrible. Keep in mind I’m someone who realizes how much hard work goes into making a movie. But this one? Sorry, anyone with talent working on this movie had it buried.

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EATERS: IT BITES!

The main characters in this movie don’t eat, they suck. As in this movie is such a total waste of time it sucks. I’m sorry to be so harsh but this movie was so bad that even trying to watch portions of it in fast forward, through those scenes where no dialogue is spoken and nothing happens (which was much of the time) were too bad to watch even that way.

A group of five friends (every one of which is a terrible actor whose names I won’t print to avoid embarrassment for them) are on a trip when they stop at a rest area in the desert. Also at the stop is one of the worst excuses for a biker gang ever filmed. When one of the girls goes missing from the restroom they immediately assume the now gone bike gang took her and set out to get her back.

It turns out the gang didn’t take her and that’s when they realize there was another car at the stop. They backtrack (after leaving the biker’s stranded of course) and eventually find the car and the group that took her. The members of this group where white cloth bags on their heads with Xs scrawled where there eyes are. Oooooo…scary!

I really want to tell you what lame excuse for a bad guy this group is but someone would yell spoiler and be unhappy. Trust me, please TRUST ME, when I say that renting this movie to find out is not worth it. Poorly made, uninteresting, pacing that seems slow when placed beside a snail and with some of the worst acting I’ve seen in years. There is nothing I can think of to say good about this movie. Yes, I know that many who work on movies have a love of film and a desire to be creative. But I’m sorry this one was really bad.

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